Toxic Positivity is Unhelpful – How to Combat It
I like to think I’m a pretty positive person. In general, I have a glass-half-full mentality about most situations. I always want to see the good in people. Part of me being a self-identified soft, crybaby is that I don’t want the world, and all its horrors, to make me cold or hard. I truly believe that being vulnerable and showing empathy is one of the most courageous things you can do as a human being. It’s important to me that I don’t invalidate that courage through toxic positivity.
I understand that we all have a different set of tools to handle what life throws at us. While I acknowledge that my general optimism and positivity helps me cope with most situations, I’m also aware that consistently putting a positive spin on truly terrible events is not a productive coping mechanism. It’s also not an appropriate way to offer support.
Toxic positivity is “looking at the bright side” for every situation. While having a positive outlook can be extremely helpful and an important mental exercise, it can be an unhealthy behavior when it becomes dismissive of a painful experience.
How many times have you found yourself opening up to someone about a painful situation, just to be met with the sentiment, “It’ll all be okay, just stay positive”?
I think most of us would admit that this sort of approach doesn’t feel good. Our pain isn’t being validated and we don’t feel supported. If anything, it comes off as not wanting to deal with a heavy conversation. At worse, this sort of support can be easily misinterpreted as dismissive or belittling. That your situation is not that complex or that bad. That all you need to do is lift yourself up from your bootstraps and get over it. “It could be worse.”
That’s not helpful! And it definitely isn’t supportive. I don’t think most people who have this unrelenting positive outlook are trying to come off as dismissive. I think a lot of people are unsure or even uncomfortable offering advice when someone approaches them with a problem. It’s this uncertainty during a tough conversation that leads to toxic positivity or other sloppy forms of support.
So what can we do as family/friends/decent human beings wanting to offer quality support to someone in need?
STEP ONE. LISTEN.
The first step to any healthy relationship is respect and communication. Respect that the person who is coming to you for support is showing a lot of courage by opening up. They are trusting you to respect their pain and listen to their story. It’s your responsibility (if you choose to take it on) to hear them out by giving them your full attention. Put the phone down. Get rid of distractions and truly hear their story.
STEP TWO. VALIDATE.
We know that toxic positivity can leave people feeling dismissed and belittled. Nothing is worse than opening up to someone just to have your feelings invalidated. Acknowledging that person’s pain and the severity of the situation is an important step in combating toxic positivity.
Even if you don’t fully understand the reasoning behind the pain, you can still acknowledge that the pain is very real. As I’ve said before, we have all gone through different experiences that have shaped our current perspective. That means we all have a different toolset and approach for dealing with the same situation. So even if the answer seems so clear to you, recognize that their perception of the situation might be entirely different than yours. You can validate the pain without necessarily validating the actions.
STEP THREE. ASK.
I think a lot of toxic positivity stems from uncertainty. The uncertainty of how to offer support in a situation they might not feel equipped to deal with. I think these thoughts arise because we tend to make assumptions about the type of support the other person needs. We take on this responsibility that we need to solve their problems or offer groundbreaking advice. That is a lot of pressure to put on ourselves! Those assumptions can lead to ineffective support with toxic positivity creeping in.
Instead, simply ask, “How can I best support you right now?” Some people just need to be listened to and validated. Others might need a temporary distraction from the pain while others might be looking for a hug. Even if that person is looking for advice, you can feel better about offering it since you’ve taken the necessary steps to truly listen and validate their pain.
STEP FOUR. FOLLOW UP.
Acknowledge that you are one person who doesn’t have all the answers. No matter how badly you wish you could take away all of someone’s pain with one conversation, that just isn’t likely to happen. Ensuring that your support isn’t conditional is an important step in offering positive and effective support.
Toxic positivity often leaves a person feeling brushed off and unwelcomed to share their feelings in the future. For someone to truly feel supported, I think it’s important to reassure them that you will be there for them as they continue to work through their experience.
Just because toxic positivity exists, doesn’t mean that being positive or optimistic isn’t helpful. Let them know that they are strong for dealing with their situation. Tell them you look forward to hearing how things progress. This way, you are showing your optimism in the situation while acknowledging that even if things don’t turn out okay (because that is entirely possible), you will be there for them. That kind of support is effectively positive and encouraging.
TOXIC POSITIVITY AS A COPING MECHANISM
In a way, I think it’s easier to identify toxic positivity when we’re offering or receiving support. Usually, it leaves us with an icky feeling of not being helpful enough or not feeling supported. But toxic positivity creeps into our lives in other, more subtle ways. It can happen within ourselves.
Toxic positivity is an unhealthy coping mechanism that distances us from our emotions. It is the voice in your head that says, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” The mentality of, “If you act happy, you will feel happy.” Instead of admitting when we are hurting, we tell ourselves to, “Suck it up,” because we rather move on. So instead, we compartmentalize which prevents us from experiencing our emotions fully. We lose touch with ourselves.
Personally, I feel that this form of coping has been made worse by social media. As a society, we’ve been conditioned to expect the instant gratification that social media offers. The rush of dopamine we get as we scroll through social media is by design. The positive social reinforcements we get when someone likes our picture or replies to our comments keep us going back to this artificial world where everyone appears to be so happy and well adjusted.
This constant consumption of positive media teaches us unhealthy coping mechanisms. We turn to our phones as a way to escape from our true feelings. There’s this notion that if we can emulate someone else’s experience, their happiness, or success, then we too will be or even should be happy.
It can be a slippery slope when we start to compare ourselves to those who are strategically and selectively posting the best parts of their lives online. Not only do we begin to strive for unattainable perfection but we also contribute to the vicious cycle by showcasing the highlights of our lives giving everyone else the impression that everything is just dandy.
This level of toxic positivity can be so isolating. It can distance us from others but also from our own emotions. It can make it difficult to know when or how to ask for help.
How do we manage toxic positivity within ourselves?
BE MINDFUL OF YOUR EMOTIONS
Being mindful of our emotional ebb and flow is not only a great form of self-care but is essential in minimizing those toxic positive thoughts.
When we engage in toxic positivity towards ourselves, it can often go unnoticed or mistaken as being strong. Language like, “Suck it up,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “They could do it and so can I,” “It could be worse,” and “Look at the bright side,” are all ways we invalidate our own feelings. We are forcing ourselves to get over a situation before we’ve had the time to truly process and heal.
This sort of coping mechanism is ineffective and damaging. While we may be able to put on a brave face and ignore our problems, unresolved pain has a way of resurfacing with a vengeance.
Not only can chronic toxic positivity result in losing touch with our emotions, but we may find that it has become increasingly more difficult to empathize with others and offer support. When we get so used to telling ourselves to look at the silver lining of every situation, we get into the habit of offering that sort of toxic advice to others. When we fail to support ourselves first, we fail to support others.
It’s worth the effort to treat yourself with care and love. It can be difficult to identify our emotions and their cause, especially if we’re out of practice. You can start small by tracking your mood, journaling every day, taking the above phrases out of your vocabulary, and allowing yourself to feel those negative emotions when they occur.
FOCUS ON YOUR JOURNEY
It’s hard not to compare yourself to others, especially in the age of social media where everyone is posting all about their good days and so rarely about their bad days. Even away from the screen, we can find ourselves losing focus on what’s important – our journey!
Everyone’s journey is different. I’ve said it several times now, we are all working with a different set of tools. While we can add to our toolbox or even lean on others to lend us their expertise and wisdom, it can be dangerous to envy over what someone has made without acknowledging that they were working with a power drill while you had a screwdriver.
And you know what, for your project, for your journey, a screwdriver might be the right tool (I think this metaphor has gotten away from me. I don’t know anything about tools). The important part here is that you have to do what’s right for you.
You don’t need to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get over it, just because someone else in a similar situation has done so. You can look to them for inspiration while also recognizing that there’s a whole side to their healing process that you might not ever see. Honor your process. There is no one right way to heal.
ASK FOR HELP
Last, but definitely not least, is to reach out when you need help. It’s so important to be able to acknowledge when you’re not okay and need support. Whether that support looks like a long phone call with your best friend or getting a ride to the doctor’s office, we’ve hopefully cultivated a group of people in our lives that we can lean on.
If you find that a loved one isn’t giving you the support that you need, say something. Let them know that you’re not looking for advice or that you don’t think that, “Looking at the bright side” is going to help in this situation. So many of us haven’t been taught how to be empathetic or how to show that we care and sometimes we make mistakes. Our family and friends might have the best intentions when offering us support, but it’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes that support isn’t what we need. Give them the time and the opportunity to learn and grow. That starts with being mindful of your emotions and your needs and then communicating them.
With the way the world has been in 2020 and 2021, I think toxic positivity has crept into our lives more than ever. We are all collectively going through a pandemic, but the stress of that pandemic has hit everyone to varying degrees. Some people have lost their jobs, others have lost loved ones. It’s important to remember that not everyone has the privilege or luxury to look at the bright side. We must remain empathetic in these situations and give others, and ourselves, the support we deserve.
Have you ever encountered a moment when toxic positivity has entered your life? How did you combat it or overcome it?